Easier to Run
by predilection
Summary: A look at Johnny's thoughts about himself. Inspired by #2 Human Relations. Rated PG13 for language. R & R.


Easier To Run  
By: Despair  
[It's easier to run  
Replacing this with something more  
It's so much easier to go  
Than face all this pain here on my own]  
  
Dear Die-ary. I stared motionless, before the mirror, as always, I stayed  
until I'm convinced that there is no glass, nothing separating me from the  
room I see on the other side.  
I imagine that everything there is different. Over there, better. There are  
people in that world who I would like.  
But, like always, my hand hits the glass.  
And I know that if I'd only waited one more second.  
  
[Something has been taken from deep inside of me  
The secret I've kept locked away no one can ever see  
Wounds so deep they never show they never go away  
Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they've played]  
  
Dear Die-ary. Such amusing fiction, these stories they tell. It always  
comes to this. If they really had a desire to live they would have been  
more aware of how easy it is to die, would have chosen their actions more  
wisely. In these moments, you can tell they're not regretting having hurt  
you.  
They regret doing it to your face.  
.A blur.of sweating.screaming.crying.human.drama.  
Hee. Hee.  
I usually try to get outside before I laugh.  
But every once and a while they say things that sound like words. They make  
me think about what I'm doing.  
The noises make me uncomfortable.  
So uncomfortable that.  
Sometimes.  
I wonder.  
  
[If I could change I would take back the pain I would  
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would  
If I could stand up and take the blame I would  
If I could take all the shame to the grave I would  
If I could change I would take back the pain I would  
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would  
If I could stand up and take the blame I would  
I would take all my shame to the grave]  
  
Dear Die-ary. I'm going to kill myself. What is there left to do? It's  
incredibly lovely out, and it's not as if anyone is going to drop by. I  
wish someone would.  
Fuck.  
I really don't want to be alone right now.  
  
[It's easier to run  
Replacing this pain with something more  
It's so much easier to go  
Than face all this pain here all alone]  
Dear Die-ary. I'm wondering if, maybe, there really is something wrong with  
me.  
[Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past  
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have  
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back  
And never moving forward so there'd never be a path]  
  
Dear Die-ary. To keep in mind; it's possible that I'm quite horrendously  
insane. That's the fuck of it.  
You know, the old thing about the crazy person who never knows they're  
crazy. It could just be a imperceptible shifting of accepted realities.  
.I killed someone today. But he was innocent. Edgar Vargas. He wasn't  
afraid to die, and when I killed him I felt something.  
Like compassion. And it hurt. I cried for the first time, because of the  
loss of someone.  
Edgar was a good man.  
Alive, he may have been my best friend..  
  
[If I could change I would take back the pain I would  
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would  
If I could stand up and take the blame I would  
If I could take all the shame to the grave I would  
If I could change I would take back the pain I would  
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would  
If I could stand up and take the blame I would  
I would take all my shame to the grave]  
  
Dear Die-ary. .Immortalising the moment. I'm so fucking stupid.  
[Just watching in the sun  
All of my helplessness inside  
Pretending I don't feel misplaced  
It's so much simpler to change]  
Dear Die-ary. I've been thinking about little Squeegee a lot lately, after  
that run-in with his father.  
There's just something so familiar about that man, even though I've never  
seen him before in my life.  
It really gets me thinking.  
His father reminds me of.  
Well.  
My father.  
[It's easier to run  
Replacing this pain with something more  
It's so much easier to go  
Than face all this pain here all alone]  
  
Dear Die-ary. I went to go see Kafka again, but something wasn't right, so  
I left when they introduced Doctor Murnau. I didn't like him anyway.  
Something's been nagging me since Squee. Dammit, it's not going away.  
And there's a memory there that won't come back.  
  
[It's easier to run  
If I could change I would take back the pain I would  
Retrace every wrong move that I made  
It's easier to go  
If I could change I would take back the pain I would  
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would  
If I could stand up and take the blame I would  
I would take all my shame to the grave]  
  
Dear Die-ary.I'm sitting here, and I'm alone. I have the gun in my hand,  
and I want to pull the trigger.  
I'm kind of afraid to do this, even their voices have stopped pushing me  
towards suicide.  
Maybe it's a sign.  
It all quiet, Nail Bunny isn't going to save me.  
I wish they'd talk. I don't want to be here by myself.  
By myself.by myself.  
Wow. I say that an awful lot.  
I'm by myself.  
Again.  
For good.  
  
Dear Die-ary. How do you understand?  
--Johnny Colt 


End file.
